After a lot of exercise, my eight-year-old son was having a loud fit in the pool. His sister wronged him, he would suggest, and he was indignant on being called out of the pool for a chat. I sat him down beside me and told him that he could get up and go back into the pool once he understood why he was sidelined.
The fit continued in spurts. It was his sister's fault, he would protest, shouting, “Why won't you listen to me?!”
I sat face-to-face with him silently in response for some time, eventually asking, "Why are you sitting here?"
With only slight prodding and a few, shrill "I don't know!" protests, he yelled at me, “Because I was yelling!!!”
I sat face-to-face with him silently in response.
“Because I was yelling! Because I was yelling!!! How many times do I have to say the right answer?! Why won't you listen to me?!! Why won't you let me go back in the pool?!! I said the right answer!!!” And the fit continued.
“Why did I call you out of the pool?”
“Because I was yelling!!!”
“Why did I tell you to sit here?”
“Because I was yelling!!!”
“Why are you still siting here?! Tell me!!!”
He paused, and he answered clearly: “Because I was yelling.”
Once he clearly understood, we rejoined my daughter in the pool and enjoyed the rest of the evening playing together.
There are many ways the situation could have been handled. On another day, maybe a firm threat would be in order. Maybe just a shout to dislodge him from his rage. Maybe a “time-out.” This time, though, it was a koan of sorts. It was not easy allowing my son to have a fit in a fairly public place with other parents looking on; I certainly hoped my son would learn his lesson before we were kicked out. I wanted my son to see how he had created the situation he was in, and how he kept himself in that situation. I wanted him to see himself having a fit, perhaps as a first step to averting them in the future.
And, for a moment, I saw what I must look like in a koan interview, not seeing the obvious answer to the artificial situation in which I've entangled myself as an exercise. But how revealing it is, too, to go one step further and examine myself in each situation in day-to-day life, seeing where I've entangled myself.
After all, when I look at my son, who do I see?
6 comments:
Great post, Joe. We must look like petulant children at times, from the other side of things.
Beautiful post.
Thanks, fellows. Lance, I know you enjoy writing the insightful piece now and again, too. Let me know if you'd like to post here sometimes or point back to your own work. Writing rooted in other faiths is welcome, too: The Zen folks come from every faith (and often keep their faiths); they are open-minded, in training to see the underlying point. :-)
nicely said Joe. Gives me something to think about as I face Ava challenging me every chance she gets.
I'd like to thank Hsoi, of "Stuff from Hsoi", for his feedback on his own blog:
http://hsoiblog.wordpress.com/2009/03/12/a-zen-moment-in-parenting/
Hsoi's postings are quite eclectic; I especially think Jaeger would be interested in taking a look!
Juicy.
Post a Comment